Don’t look for a partner who is eye candy. Look for a partner who is soul food.
Weddings are the one place where everyone in my family puts all there drama away and tries to get along for a whole day. This excludes my wedding. At our reception my dad, who was still in love with my mom after 10 years of separation, got drunk and announced that my mom was a lesbian. My parents should never have gotten married, not because my mom is into chicks, but because my dad is an insecure, hurt little boy who never loved himself and therefore poisons all hope of truly loving anybody else.
When I was a kid I knew of two kids in my class of 300 who’s parents were divorced. I was shocked to learn that some parents even did that! Nowadays divorce is more popular than getting married. I’m not saying people shouldn’t get divorced. I’m saying people shouldn’t get married! This probably sounds strange coming from someone who has officiated dozens of weddings. It seems to me like people get married because the person they love “completes them”. The truth is that the only person who can make you whole is you. Everyone else is just a cheerleader or someone standing in your way to becoming your ideal self. Being In Love is not a good enough reason to get married.
Even though I have these ideas about marriage people are still going to fall in love and commit to each other forever. Why? The answer is simple. Love is the most powerful thing there is. Love lasts forever. The problem is that most of us are not yet capable of harnessing that power for very long and our small scope of love gets tainted by daily life and struggle. You can never stop loving someone once you’ve started. You can only transmute that emotional energy into hate or resentment, but love and hate are more similar than we want to believe. They are both dark red in aura and rage within us, passionately.
One idea I’ve found helpful in keeping the peace in my own marriage is that it is better to get along than to be right. It’s about compromise and forgiveness. When you get married the definition of your relationship changes from “Lovers” to partners, roommates, parents, business associates, teammate, friend, confidant, and role model. In some cases couples learn that they can’t be all of those things for the other person and they think having a baby will fix that.
In my personal experience marriage wasn’t hard until we had kids. Literally overnight, you go from sleeping in, spending time with each other, having free time, having extra cash, taking time for yourself to becoming a sleep-deprevated baby slave. When things get tough you start to blame each other for not doing or suffering as much as the other. Sadly, couples stay together because they think it’s best for the kids. What is best for the kids is to see parents who love each other, respect their individuality, and communicate as co-creators working together to have a safe home.
Marriage is a commitment. The best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that other relationships cannot offer. It is a physical and emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime. Enjoy each others company while celebrating your individuality.
In order to sustain a lifetime love must have no conditions attached. You cannot change any mind except your own. Saying the words “I do” is the same thing as saying “I accept you for who you are and who you will become”. It is your job as a husband or wife to encourage your mate to be their best idealized self. This is only possible if you can get over your own insecurities.
Get to a place where you love yourself so much that you have love to spare. Then share your abundance. If you are looking for someone else to fill that void eventually you will all get sucked in to the pit of despair.
Love & Lust are very different. Both burn fast and bright, but only Love gives warmth. Lust is for cavemen. Love is for sentient beings. Love lasts. It is empathetic, not insecure and pathetic.
The answer to all questions is Love. Love is the answer to all questions.